There are a few warning signs that indicate when it may be time to get a new car.

For example, when the car gets dirty, people don’t use the collected dust to make smartass recommendations about washing; instead they write “ABANDON ME.”

When you drive by to pick up a date, she says “Hey, you know...next time, maybe we can just meet on bikes.”

And then there’s the sticker you get after a routine tune up.  You know, the one that says “NEXT SERVICE DUE.” Instead of filling in mileage and a date, the mechanic just scribbles in a frowny face.

Sometimes I think about getting rid of it and buying a new one, but I know what will happen when I try to trade it in.

“Thanks for the great price on my new car.  Now, here’s the car I’m currently driving.  What kind of discount will that get me?”

“Discount?  You just raised the price by a grand.  And give us back the damn fruit basket.”

Eventually I’ll have to drive it to a bad part of Oakland and perform a reverse car jacking--putting a gun to the head of a passerby and scream “GET IN! GET IN!” I’ll keep the gun trained on him until he drives off, and then I’ll run away on foot.

They’ll put out an All Points Bulletin: “Suspect is a white male, last seen breaking into an auto dealership while screaming “I’m free!” Victim was found in a state of shock behind the steering wheel of the perpetrator’s green Civic.  He was carried out of the vehicle and loaded into an ambulance, mumbling all the while “Sure the gas mileage is great and it hardly needs maintenance, but it’s so drab...so boring...so...predictable...”