This isn’t always the most confessional weblog in the world, but there’s exceptions to every rule, and today is one of those exceptions. I have something to tell you. I’m a functioning Cineaddict.

You may be familiar with the idea of a functioning drug addict or alcoholic--someone who definitely has a problem, but is able (for a time, at least) to hold a job, keep a family together, and simply let the problem seep around the cracks of his or her daily life, like a slow-acting poison.

Drugs and booze aren’t easy burdens to carry around, and as functioning a cineaddict, I have a similarly tough time.  Particularly when those around me begin to suspect the truth.

For example, I recently I met a friend who has long wondered if I have a problem.  She tried to test me:

“So, what do you say we go to the movies tonight?”

“Great.”

“What do you want to see?”

I shrugged in the most nonchalant way I could manage. “Whatever you want. I’m really up for anything.”

She looked at me suspiciously. “Really?  Even...Meet the Fockers?”

I blanched.  “Hey.  Sure. I think that would be fine. I mean, it’s okay to go to the movies just to see something ridiculous sometimes, right?”

“There’s nothing else you’d rather see?”

I was almost unaware aware of my response; my head filled with blinding light, like the glare from the sandy beach at the end of Shawshank Redemption.  Suddenly the words spilled out: “Well, House of Flying Daggers is about to hit second run theaters, and I’d like to catch it so I can understand whether the cinematography serves the story, as it did in Hero, or simply becomes a useless aesthetic exercise. Then there’s a showing of Touch of Evil, the restored version which makes Orson Wells’s use of shadows and textures so tangible that they almost seem to leap off the screen.”

I realized what I was saying and immediately stopped.  “Uh...but then again, I love Ben Stiller and his comic hijinks, too.”

She touched my arm, a gesture of sadness and compassion. “Greg...you’ve been watching DVDs alone again, haven’t you?”

I shook my head. “No. Absolutely not.  I consider movie watching a social activity.  It’s unhealthy to watch DVDs by yourself.”

Her expression said it all: No sale.

“Okay, fine, maybe one DVD in the evening. Hey, I work a lot and I get stressed, and I have the right to relax when I get home. What about it?”

“You know how easy it is to just say you’ll only watch one DVD, but the closet full of movies is right there, and before you know it one leads to two leads to three...”

I grimaced. “No, I can handle it.”

“Greg, I think it’s time to admit that you have a real problem, and that you need real help.  There are professionals who can lead you through the steps you need to become a healthy human being again.  Tell me, do you believe in a higher power?”

I looked at her, interested.  “You mean...David Lynch?”