I don’t mean to offend my friends who read this blog--all I’m doing is expressing my opinion here--but I really hate those quizzes in which you find out “What kind of _____ are you?” People email them to me all the time.  Co-workers ask me if I’ve taken them yet.  Oh right.  I’ll get right on that.

I have nothing to learn from them, as I think the following examples will help illustrate.

“What Kind of Friends friend Are You?” I am neither Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, or Joey.  Why?  Because every once in a while, I talk to someone who isn’t white.

“What Kind of Superhero Are You?” I already know this.  I’m the kind of superhero who briefly appears in a Saturday morning cartoon in the ‘60s, and then is resurrected decades later by the Comedy Channel for an ironic, postermodern late night talk show.

“What Kind of Different Strokes Character Are You?” Never seen the show in my life.  What’s that?  You have?  Well, one of us is going to feel slightly less regret than the other when we’re lying on our deathbeds.

“What Kind of Harry Potter Character Are You?” Well, let me put it this way.  Do any of the Harry Potter characters use their powers to freeze people in place, take off their clothes, and then run away laughing?  No?  Then it’s safe to say that we have highly divergent philosophies in regards to the proper use of magic.

“What Kind of Dungeons & Dragons Character Are You?” Oh sure, I’ll take that qu--oh wait, I think I hear your mother calling.  Okay, bye bye!

“What Kind of Star Wars Character Are You?” I already covered this in an earlier post.  I’m Han Solo dammit.  And I don’t need no dumb, lame quiz telling me I’m R2-D2.  Do you hear me?  I’m cool, not a crummy robot.  Damn you quiz.  I hate--

Uh...anyway.  I think I’ve made my point.