I never liked the whole Starbucks “tall, venti, grande” thing but I let it pass because my first experience with Starbucks coffee was so memorable.  This was around the mid 90s and they were successful but not as insanely successful as they are now.  I lived in Massachusetts, and I visited a Starbucks in Boston and kicked back one their house coffees.  It was dark, strong, and powerful.  It wasn’t the best I ever had, but it definitely made me pay attention and I still remember it to this day.  I actually think Starbucks coffee tasted better back when the chain was still a little hungry; these days I can detect a faint, acrid aftertaste.

But I recently went into a Jamba Juice and I realize that this whole size thing has got to stop. Do you realize that their drinks come in “sixteen,” “original,” and “power”?

I’ll be drawn and quartered by a pack of rabid horses before I ever say to anyone, “I’d like to order a sixteen apple-peach matcha with a protein boost.” Why sixteen, anyway?  Why not just call it a jailbait?

Screw all these trendy chains with their made up sizes.  What next?  You walk into Cold Stone Creamery and order a C-Cup Scoop of Pecan and Cream Passion?

I usually talk about trivial matters on this site and eschew politics, but it’s time for all of us to make ourselves heard.  They’ll keep trying to screw with us as long as we let them.  We need to stand up and buck the system.  I want all of you to walk into Starbucks and order a Power Caramel Macchiato, and then go into Jamba Juice and order a Grande Acai Supercharger.  And if the “barristers” or “juice jockeys” or whatever the hell they call themselves try to correct you, you tell them “Look, shut the hell up and get me my drink in the exact size that I just ordered.  Otherwise I’ll call your manager and bust you so far down the franchise food chain that you’ll be slinging sausages and lemonade at Hot Dog on a Stick, which conveniently come in the sizes of Kidney, Schnauzer, and Ballpark.”