Because they end up loving stuff that I hate.

1. The Atkin’s Diet is officially a cultural phenomenon.  Low carb food is quickly filling the supermarket, and even fast food places will be offering low carb versions of their food.  Everyone is convinced that if you eat a bunch of meat, you lose weight.

That makes total sense.  Why, just the other day, I was talking to my friend the lion.  He said, “Hey Greg, I’ve lost tons of weight on the Atkin’s Diet.  It’s great!  All I have to do is eat meat.  So, like, I’ve been eating antelopes and gazelles and stuff.”

I said, “Isn’t that what you ate before?  You really don’t look all that diff--”

(Glares)

“....uh...you are one skinny lion, my friend.”

2. Financial planners.  I’m not just picking on this cretin, because they all say the same thing.  In order to retire rich, you must use a tax-deferred savings account like a 401(k), and buy a house.

That’s just brilliant.  So you should save up for retirement?  And buy a house?  Here’s a thought: it takes money to do all those things.  Can everyone afford to take a slice out of their paycheck while at the same time purchasing real estate and paying a mortgage?  No?  Then I guess that means you can only retire rich if you already have money.  And, y’know, giving up lattes won’t actually get you there either. Anyone know any financial planners?  Better hide them.  Each and every one of them is first up against the wall, come the revolution.

3. The Presidential Election.  Look, every four years I look forward to following the campaigns.  But this year it’s just pathetic.  John Kerry is the frontrunner for the democratic nomination?  Obviously no one’s even interested in having a real election; they just want to get it over with and keep Bush.  The only possible bit of fun out of all of this is waiting for Kerry to completely explode at a press conference: “Will all of you please stop calling me Walter Mondale?  It’s not funny.”