April 17, 2006 - Although it’s still several months before the summer driving season, gas prices across the country have either nearly reached or exceeded $3.00 a gallon.  According to senior officials at the major gas companies, an alien invasion in responsible for the price jumps.

“They’re invisible creatures who thrive on radiation,” explained the president of Shell. “They reach out with their radioactive arms and kill people.  We’ve lost several oil tanker captains to their treachery and their burning, crackling talons of death.  We urge all Americans to take appropriate precautions.”

The latest crisis comes after a series of domestic and international events have conspired to dramatically raise gas prices in the United States.

“First it was tensions in Iraq,” remarked a senior oil official.  “Then it was Hurricane Katrina.  Then it was rebel insurgents in Nigeria.  And now an invasion of invisible radioactive aliens.  It really just seems to be one thing after another, and unfortunately it’s the pocketbooks of hard working Americans that seem fated to pay the price.”

Oddly, the president of Mobil described the aliens somewhat differently. “They’re very bumpy and have big steel hands.  Very scary.  My daughter is scared whenever I talk about them.”

When told that the president of Shell said the aliens were both invisible and radioactive, the president of Mobil quickly agreed. “Oh right, completely.  Bumpy and steely and radioactive and invisible.  That’s what I said the first time.”

Several of the companies have co-authored and distributed a memo offering suggestions on how Americans can combat rising fuel costs. 

“When possible, bike to work or join a commuting program.  Try to walk more often instead of driving short distances.  And finally, use geiger counters and other sophisticated radiation-dectecting equipment in order to ferret out and destroy our would-be alien conquerors.”

Oil officials quickly dismiss allegations that they themselves are responsible for the rise in gas prices in order to continue their record-setting profits from 2005.  The president of Exxon told the press, “We’re as dismayed the situation as Americans are.  In fact, all of us gas company presidents are going to meet and discuss how we can resolve this crisis.  We’ll be in the Bahamas for the next month working on the problem.  We’ll get back to you.”