Scene: A movie purchasing establishment.

Enter: Greg.

(Greg PEERS at DVDs, and smirketh.)

Greg:
Hah!  It is to laugh.  A director’s cut of Supergirl. 
That is not likely to find favor with those of my kind.
Behold, it boasts 24 extra minutes of footage!  Truly,
the movie would be better served by cutting out
an hour or two.

(PEERS at another one.)

And the same holds for Star Trek V.  Four hours of
special features? That is torturous and mean.  I would rather
be beset with scorpions.  I would choose instead to gargle
snake’s venom.

(Then he GASPETH.)

But the same does not hold true for The Day the Earth
Stood Still.  A special edition?  With a 70 minute
documentary?  Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.

But wait.  I am comparing silly extras on DVDs.  Have I
gone too far?  Have I passed through the boundary
between connoisseur and fanatic?  How far do I have
left to fall before I become a lost soul?

(Lights dim, SPOTLIGHT shines on Greg.  He prepares to
launch into agonized, self-searching Hamlet-esque
soliloquy--)

(But lights abruptly go up again as Greg is interrupted by
TWO INDIVIDUALS entering the scene.  Male and female.
They are of sizable mass and girth.  Their attire marks them
as employees of the movie purchasing establishment.
Both of them have the same nasaly vocal style as the
Comic Book Guy on the Simpsons.)

Man:
Yes, I only paid $20 for the whole set.  How much did you pay?

Woman:
Well, $32, but that included shipping and handling.

Man:
Yup, I got the whole set...Airport ‘79, Airport ‘77, and
Airport ‘75…

Woman:
And the first two Airports, of course, with Dean Martin…

Man (outraged):
What?  That is ridiculous.  Dean Martin was only in
the first one, Airport, in 1970.

Woman (defensively):
That’s not what my friend said.

Man (snapping):
Your friend is wrong.

(They EXEUNT...the woman to the employee’s room, nearly slamming the door, and the man bristling as he returns to the cash register.)

(SPOTLIGHT returns to Greg, who stands in stunned silence.)

Greg (triumphantly):
Klaatu!  Barada!  Nikto!

(Greg EXITS.)

-FINIS-