What’s up with those cars that have “Special Edition” labels slapped on them? “Special Edition” only means one thing to me...a cool DVD with lots of extra features. So do these cars come with commentary tracks?

“Well, we all got together and decided to make a car. The first thing we wanted to do was create the right set of wheels. So we did some bluescreen tests with people from Lucasfilm, and we created some miniatures, and eventually we captured the right look. Our production designer complained about us running over budget, saying ‘It’s not like you’re trying to reinvent the wheel.’ And we’re like, ‘Well, yeah, we are.’

“Our chief mechanic had the idea of including a dashboard, a process we were familiar with from last year’s work on the Honda Accord EX 2001. And it worked beautifully on this project as well.

“Oh, and we also came to work drunk a lot.”

You know how you can take a walk and see things along the way that tell you “Stay away--do not touch or go near for any reason”?

For example:
- A raccoon in broad daylight
- A growling dog with bristling fur
- A coiled rattlesnake

The movie poster for “Half Past Dead” (with the tag line “The Good. The Bad. And the Deadly.") is a lot like those things.

How do I know that America will eventually lose its status as the world’s preeminent superpower? Easy. We’re bland and fearful, and our Twinkies prove it.

Here’s what I mean. When I was a child, Hostess had a product called a “Chocodile.” This was nothing more than a chocolate-covered Twinkie, but it had its own distinct brand identity. The mascot was a talking crocodile, and the tag line was “It takes a while to eat a Chocodile.”

The Chocodile is extinct today. In essence, Americans couldn’t deal with the additional complexity that the Chocodile represented. It posed too much of a challenge to their delicate palettes. They reacted with dismay: “Sponge cake, yes. Creamed filling, by all means. Chocolate on top? Whoa, slow that horse down, hoss!”

As far as augurs of receding world influence go, it may not be as dramatic as India’s 1857 mutiny against the British colonists. But it’s up there.

My mother: “Jennifer Love Hewitt’s problem is that she chose to use the ‘Love’ as part of her name. It showed everyone that she’s incapable of making good decisions. And it’s all been downhill for her from there.”

Everyone’s excited about the new Lord of the Rings movie, “The Two Towers.” No one seems to care about the new James Bond movie, “Die Another Day.”

I’m here to tell you that you should be caring about Bond, and only Bond.  But don’t take my word for it.  Let’s see how the two franchises stack up on the key issues:

Cute girls.
Bond: Has cute girls.
Lord of the Rings: Has cute girls, but they have pointed ears.

Weapons.
Bond: Lots of gadgets and guns.
Lord of the Rings: Swords and weird jewelry.  When you’re staring into the face of evil, what should you be holding--a Walther PPK or a crummy magic ring?

Bad guys.
Bond: Has bad guys with cool names like Goldfinger and Jaws.
Lord of the Rings: Main bad guy is named Sauron, which is notably unscary.  It’s right up there with “Francis” and “Oswald” in terms of names that strike terror into your heart.

Christopher Lee.
Bond: Had Christopher Lee as villain in only one movie, “The Man With the Golden Gun.”
Lord of the Rings: Has Christopher Lee as villain in all three movies.  Okay, so LOTR wins one lousy category.

Credibility.
Bond: Ian Fleming, author of the original Bond novels, actually worked as a secret agent.  Cool.
Lord of the Rings: J.R. Tolkien, author of the Lord of the Rings novels, was a Professor of Anglo-Saxon at Oxford.  He wasn’t a hobbit, or an elf, or a Wizard.  He wasn’t even a lousy orc.  Which author do you trust?  I thought so.

Explosions.
Bond: Lots of explosions.
Lord of the Rings: No explosions.  Gasoline hasn’t even been invented yet.

As you can see, this isn’t a matter of personal taste or subjective opinion; it’s pure, unadulterated logic.  See you at Bond’s opening night.

Men sleep in consistent, regular patterns. Women, on the other hand, save up sleep. They store it like a battery. They tuck it away like squirrels do nuts.

Why? Because when they begin a relationship, they can draw upon their sleep reservoirs. They can stay up for countless hours without feeling the strain.

This always comes as a surprise to men at the end of a long date. I don’t just mean dinner and a movie; I meant an entire day and evening and a large chunk of the night. They both talk, and discover things about each other, and do things together, and finally around 3 a.m. they may decide okay, time to fall asleep.

He hits sleep like a ton of rocks; she fidgets uncomfortably. She looks at the ceiling. She glances at her watch. And finally, around 5 a.m., she jabs him with her foot until he stirs awake and mumbles: “Uhh...what’s wrong?”

“Something’s on my mind. Something important.”

“What is it?”

“I was wondering...what were you like in kindergarten?”

I saw “The Ring” last night. It’s about a woman who watches a videotape with all sorts of weird stuff on it. Immediately after she finishes, the phone rings and a voice on the other end snarls: “Seven days.” Everyone in the theater was creeped out and scared.

The thing is, this happens to me constantly. The guy who runs my local Blockbuster likes people to return their tapes on time.

1. Why bother having braille keys on drive-through ATMs? They’re obviously used by blind people who are supergeniuses, since they have the mental power to commit local traffic patterns and street layouts to memory. It’s a pretty safe bet that they can hit the right keys on a bank machine.

2. Every email virus I’ve seen is filled with broken English--such as “Hi you there! Click on .exe file to see puppy dog and hearts. Right then!” Are no U.S.-born programmers capable of creating a decent virus? I’m concerned that we’re going to lose our position as the world’s preeminent superpower unless we start teaching our children how to bring the Internet to its knees.

3. Now playing on HBO: “Turbulence 2: Fear of Flying.” The first Turbulence could not possibly have made any money. Therefore, the only explanation for the existence of this sequel is if it’s a coded message to a hovering mother ship, signaling that the Earth is ready to attack.

You heard it here first.

I’m not the greatest cook, so I pay close attention to recipes. No, that’s not strong enough--I depend upon recipes to lead me by the hand, console me, and whisper comforting things about daffodils and world peace. So imagine my dismay as I carefully moved through a recipe and hit upon the line, “Add paprika, chili powder, and salt and pepper to taste.”

I’m a marketing writer. Do I hand out stacks of blank paper to our salespeople and say “Add a bunch of blather about our company--to taste”? Does a fireman shove a hose at somebody and say “Save your house and all your possessions--to taste”? If I had any taste, I wouldn’t need a recipe. I depend upon the professionals.

This has, however, given me a new idea for a book. Please be on the lookout for Greg’s Big Book of Recipes, coming to a Barnes & Noble near you. It’ll contain a single sentence--"Make a bunch of stuff. To taste.”

Powell: So I assume we’re going to take military action against Kim Jong Il and North Korea.

Bush: Why on Earth would we do that?

Powell: Well, because they’ve admitted to a nuclear weapons program, violating our 1994 agreement. Weapons of mass destruction--international defiance--potential hostile intent. It’s the exact same scenario as Iraq, whom we’re preparing to attack.

Bush: Yeah, but...it’s different.

Powell: How is it different?

Bush: Kim didn’t pick on my Dad.

Powell: This whole thing with Saddam Hussein is a personal grudge? But you told the U.N Security Council--

Bush: Don’t get me wrong. I still think North Korea is part of the vertex of evil…

Powell: ...axis…

Bush: Access to evil, yes. But you can’t just fly off the handle and attack anybody. Just the people who are mean to me.

Powell: So you’re not worried about Kim?

Bush: Oh please. Like I’d be worried about a female President.

I used to be terrible at making eggs over easy. The final result was an ugly yellow smear--as if the sky had fallen and a sizable chunk of it had taken out Chicken Little.

I can now create healthy eggs over easy. They look up at me invitingly. Wantonly. They say, “Hey. How are you doin’?”

I believe I now understand why they’re called “over easy.”

Me: Disneyland is better than other theme parks because you can look at cool stuff even when you’re standing in line.

She: True.

Me: Indiana Jones is the best, but even Space Mountain has been retrofitted with viewscreens.

She: Well, uh…

Me: Yes?

She: I don’t want to frighten you with my Space Mountain tirade.

Me: Listen, most people don’t have a Space Mountain tirade. If you ask 99.9% of people their opinion about Space Mountain, they’ll say “huh?” If you have a tirade, I want to hear it.

She: Well, standing in line at Space Mountain used to be about mood and anticipation. Everything was arranged to make you feel nervous about the ride. It was all dark, and there was this black wall over which you could hear the screams of the people. By the time you actually got to the ride, you were terrified. Now they have these TV sets. The glow from the screens wrecks the mood, and they also wreck the feeling of anticipation by having crappy Fed Ex commercials. Fed Ex? Who the hell wants to hear about Fed Ex standing in a line at Disneyland? And they’re not even good commercials although they’re straining to be clever and funny.
(a beat)
I’ve said too much.

Me: That was great.

She: Come on.

Me: Seriously. I’m all turned around on this issue now.

My main exposure to Top-40 music these days is at the gym, and there is much to learn from it. For example, Nelly has a hit song that contains the lyrics “It’s getting hot in here/So take off all your clothes.”

All you Romeos, take note: it’s no longer necessary to balance subtle wit and sprightly charm in your opening lines. Let Nelly show you the way. The song even demonstrates proper inflection and delivery for this touching romantic overture, leaving absolutely nothing to chance!

Roommate: I think I’m sick.

Me: That’s too bad. You know, it’s probably common for teachers to get sick in the first month of school. All those kids and all those germs.

Roommate: It’s common for new teachers like me. The experienced ones don’t get sick.

Me: Really?

Roommate: Yeah. All the teachers who have been teaching for 10+ years do just fine.

Me: Teachers must be able to develop a more powerful immune system than the average person. Do you realize what this means for national security?

Roommate: Huh?

Me: Experienced teachers would be untouched by nerve gas, airborne germs, and other biological weapons! They could be trained to become an elite fighting unit! They could be the vanguards of American justice on the front lines of the war against Iraq!

Roommate: I think I’m going to go take a nap.

Sunday, Day 7
Hey everyone.  I’m really not going to write much today; I’m kind of beat.  But I’m sure I’ve given you a lot to chew on in the past several days, what with the creation of Existence and everything.  So, well, I’m going to catch a few winks, and we’ll start up again on Monday.  Be good to each other.
posted by God at 9:30 am

Comments:
Your Magnificence and Love inspire us all.  Rest well, and know that we are ready to serve Your will in all things.
Rafael - Day 7 - 9:35 am

Hey!  If anyone deserves a break, You sure do!  Catch ya on the flip side!
Gabriel - Day 7 - 9:39 am

This stuff is boring--hurry up and get to the begatting!  I wanna read about all the begatting!!
Lucifer - Day 7 - 10:24 am