I’m forced to use AT&T for digital cable because they have a monopoly on the San Francisco Bay Area. They’re the only franchise available.

When I open up my AT&T bill, it’s more than the advertised fee. This is because in addition to the monthly service, I also pay a “franchise tax.”

So let me get this straight: I can only use one franchise, and then I pay an additional fee for the privilege.

I think I’d feel better if they just called it a “neener, neener, neener” tax.

I think it’s creepy that newspapers recycle content from dead authors. Charles Schultz and Ann Landers continue to grace the pages each day.

It’s not like Carolyn Keene, the original author of the Nancy Drew stories. After she died (and probably before), other writers wrote under the Carolyn Keene name to continue the series. But at least they were new stories.

I’d like to propose that the Ann Landers people hire the Nancy Drew people to keep the column going with new, fresh content every day. For example:

Dear Ann,
I can’t seem to find my missing chums! I’ve searched everywhere! My hunky but dim boyfriend, Ned Nickerson is no help, and my world-famous father detective seems stumped! Can you help?
-- Sleuth in Distress

Dear Sleuth,
Remember the clue you found in the secret attic. It contains a key that will unlock the whole crazy puzzle.
-- Anne

Q: How do you get Governor Gray Davis to change his position on an issue?
A: Tell him the check bounced.

You’re supposed to memoralize on Memorial Day, give thanks on Thanksgiving Day, and plant a tree on Arbor Day. But for some reason, you’re not supposed to work on Labor Day.

In this particular case, however, I really think it’s best not to ask too many questions.

My roommate’s cat and I treat each other with suspicion.

I’m suspicious of him because I know that if I ever shrink to ten inches, he’ll eat me like a chocolate malt ball. Sometimes this occurs to me when I’m petting him. He’s purring, I’m relaxed, and suddenly it hits me--"The status quo won’t necessarily last forever.”

For his part, he’s suspicious because I keep trying to get him to help out with the housework. Fair’s fair, right? He doesn’t pay rent. So I shove the vacuum cleaner at him, and he runs into the other room. Which technically ends the discussion, although I know he’s laughing to himself: “I’ve got him fooled; he really thinks I don’t know how to operate that thing.”

A long time ago I asked my aging, hippy-ish Algebra II teacher why I needed to know algebra, since I didn’t plan on using math in my profession.

“To be a better person,” she said.

What she should have said was: “Because eventually you’ll grow up and your brain will start to grow moss after you’ve deluged it with Robert Rodriguez movies and Afro Celt Sound System CDs, and you’ll desperately need the rigor that Algebra could have afforded you when you’re trying to write a CGI script that allows people to mail you from your web site using a form field rather than an ugly HTML tag.”

If she had said that, I would have started paying attention. Damn hippies.

In surfing The Times of India, I discovered that the predominant stock indexes in India are called SENSEX and NIFTY.

It would be so much nicer to play in that stock market. Let’s face it: Dow Jones sounds like a pirate.

“I lost $5,000 in Cisco last week.”

“Ahhrr, matey. You were taken by Dow Jones, scourge of the seven seas.”

And from a purely sound-association standpoint, NASDAQ sounds like a car wrapping around a telephone pole. “Look out! We’re going off the road!” **NASDAQ!**

In contrast, losing money in India would be a relatively benign experience.

“Boy, I sure lost my shirt on those curry stocks.”

“Cheer up, pal. At least it’s still NIFTY.”

Or:

“The bottom fell out of the elephant market. I’m broke.”

“Hey, man, remember what they say. Even when you’re not enjoying it as much as you used to, there’s no such thing as bad SENSEX.”

Rumors indicate that Josh Hartnett is in the running to play Superman in the next movie. This is the guy whose performance in “Pearl Harbor” made Ben Affleck look like a dedicated thespian of great skill and craft.

But I want to be fair about this. Although Hartnett is not qualified to play Superman, here are five other superheroes he’d be very good at:
5. Robin the Boy Wonder
4. Mr. Clean from the detergent commercials
3. The guy from the Wonder Twins
2. The girl from the Wonder Twins
1. McGruff the Crime Dog

Abu Nidal, a terrorist with over 1,000 suspected deaths to his credit, was recently found dead of multiple gunshot wounds. Two high-ranking Palestinian officials told the Associated Press that Nidal committed suicide. However, the officials were unable to explain how Nidal could have shot himself several times.

Does anyone else feel as though high-ranking officials aren’t even trying anymore?

I didn’t have the Internet growing up, so I immediately think anything online is cool. Sometimes I’m irrational about it. For example: I have never been to Denise’s Barber Shop, which is about four blocks from where I live, but they accept reservations online. I am therefore convinced that Denise is a world-class hair stylist who also knows judo, takes in stray animals, and plays a mean kazoo.

(It’s not just the web site, though. She also offers a service for the “follically challenged.” Back when they were passing out hair genes, I was doing jello shots and mistakenly mumbled about wanting something in a nice, gradual widow’s peak.)

I like my job, but working in marketing for a human resources company has its challenges. When people think about HR, they don’t think “sexy.” They think the evil Catbert from “Dilbert.” Or the fact that their friend just got laid off from Hewlett Packard. It’s not a good starting place for trying to build and promote a positive brand identity.

Sometimes I fantasize about coming into work one morning and being told: “We’re not really doing the benefits and payroll administration thing anymore. Instead, we’re selling these little cinnamon raisin tarts. We found the recipe in a drawer somewhere. The growth potential is excellent, our shareholders are thrilled, and they’re remarkably low calorie. Do you think you can run with this for a while?”

My skinflint Internet provider, Earthlink, only gives me 10 MB a month of web space, and I’ll soon be running out of it what with all my various blogger codes and self-promotional blather clogging up the works. Which means I’ll have to finally spring for dedicated hosting. Which means I’ll need to choose a domain name. I’d like to pick one that I could use in my freelance work, but all the ones I like are taken. Such as:
- Syntext
- Bigstory
- Forwords
This is the problem with choosing a domain name in the year 2002 rather than 1996, when I probably could have registered ColaCola.com and no one would have raised an eyebrow. 

Well, I have my own blog. I’m only behind by about 500,000 other people. This is, however, nothing unusual; I was also one of the last people to
- Get a Swatch Watch
- Wear Reebok shoes
- Buy Duran Duran’s “Rio” album.
- Sell/throw out Duran Duran’s “Rio” album. (I still own it. I still listen to it. If you don’t understand, I won’t be able to explain.)